| Isn't it wonderful? I'm going to jail! |
[Dec. 25th, 2009|09:00 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Cheerful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Yule Log | ] |
Merry Christmas, you wonderful old Building and Loan LiveJournal flist!
And now for the annual flaunting of the haul:
- various small candies and old-fashioned toys (in my stocking)
- Holiday Funfetti cake mix (half-joke present; I love Funfetti)
- boots (unfortunately they don't fit, but they can be exchanged)
- three pairs of pajama pants (Mickey, Eeyore, plaid)
- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince on DVD/Blu-Ray (actually a family present from Santa)
- Raphael's Phantom Pin-Ups 2010 calendar (buy one!)
- pocket MP3 recorder (*cough*)
- DVD recorder (so I can finally get the Tony Awards, for example, off of my DVR) |
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| Christmas Eve |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|11:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Tired | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - Judy Garland | ] |
The Birth of Jesus
In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. (This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) And everyone went to his own town to register.
So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels
And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."
When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."
So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. - Luke 2: 1-20 (NIV) |
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| I feel like there's a RENT lyric that belongs here |
[Dec. 24th, 2009|12:39 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "The Phantom of the Opera" - The Phantom of the Opera (OLC) | ] |
I didn't get a chance to call The Cop back today - well, ok, maybe I had a little chance, but not that much since I was called into work earlier than expected and I'm not supposed to use my cell phone on the floor - but he called again while I was at work and left a voicemail. Argh. He's nice and attentive and it's scaring the crap out of me. I am such a dingbat. Anyway, I opted not to call him back tonight because of my aforementioned dingbat-ness, but I'll call him tomorrow before or between Christmas Eve shows at church. That way I can be nice and return his call and maybe chat with him a bit and get to know him, but I'll also have a totally legit excuse to get off the phone if I start feeling nervous.
So yeah, I've got three performances tomorrow. Did I ever mention that I had one this past weekend? Well, I did and it went swimmingly. I felt a little low-energy, but the church was packed and we got a great big standing O, and everybody I knew who was in attendance said it was great and told me how wonderful I was on my narration. I haven't even gone over the lines in my head since then, but I tend to do better work that way. And it's hard to forget lines that are as cheesy as "And so we enter a time of year when, just like the gingerbread houses we put so much care into decorating, things can so easily crumble." I suppose the fact that I'm able to deliver these lines without laughing is a success.
By the by, thanks so much for all the encouragement and understanding in the comments to my last couple of posts. It was such a relief to see how many of you can relate to what I'm feeling! I really thought I was just being absurd and you'd all roll your eyes at me - as I'm fully expecting at least a couple of friends to do tomorrow when I explain to them how nervous I am with the whole situation, since I've been complaining for ages that no one ever likes me - and I was very pleasantly surprised.
In an unrelated note, you can be assured that you are a very special sort of geek when you point at the rolling credits for Enchanted and shout, "Oh my God, Betina Hershey was one of the dancers! She played Meg in Phantom! Isn't that neat?" and your parents stare at you in total silence. |
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| What is with me lately? |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|10:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Scared | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Heaven on Their Minds" - Jesus Christ Superstar (movie) | ] |
Argh, argh, argh.
After fretting about this whole new sort of boy problem to my mom and Danielle, I finally worked up the nerve to call the fellow back. Thankfully he didn't answer, and leaving a quick message was much easier than having to talk to him. He hadn't called back by like 9:30 so I figured he wasn't going to and left my cell phone up in my room, but I just looked and I guess he called me back a few minutes after I went downstairs.
He's being totally nice and normal, but I am spazzing out. I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to interract with this person. I know how to interact with married men and gay men and actor men at stagedoors and a few select men who don't fit into those categories like James or Romil or Andy, but I don't know how to talk to this person. I don't know him at all and I'm expected to chat on the phone or go out for coffee or something and the whole thing just makes me uncomfortable. It's nothing he's doing, except for being interested in me in the first place, it's just the whole situation is bizarre and I don't like it at all. I want to be in love and get married, but I'd really like to just skip this part.
This seemed a lot easier from a distance. >_>
Maybe it's just that I'm too immature for a relationship right now? Maybe I'm just not ready for this. |
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| The Panic Stage (is this normal?) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|04:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Nervous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face" - My Fair Lady (movie) | ] |
The cop called earlier and left a voicemail saying that he was "just saying hi". (!!!)
Oh, I don't know if I can handle this. I've just realized I've spent so much time mooning after guys who didn't want me that I don't have a clue how to respond to one who is interested in me. I don't know what to do. I'm afraid to call him back. What am I supposed to say? I don't know what to say!
I don't understand myself. I've spent years waiting and wishing for someone to like me, but I guess I didn't want someone to like me as much as I wanted someone to like me. Like, someone specific. I've always decided I liked someone and wanted them to like me back, but it's never happened. I've never really experienced someone liking me first. Or at all, in fact. A couple of weirdos in high school, but that's it and that hardly counts. I don't know what to do. I don't know how it goes.
What's going to happen when I call him back? Is he going to try to set up a time for us to meet up? I don't know when that could be. I have work tomorrow and three shows on Christmas Eve and then the next day's Christmas and then I'll probably have to work the day after and then I have a family gathering to go to sometime that weekend too, and then I don't even know what my work schedule will be like after that. What a stupid time of year to try to meet someone for coffee.
Ugh, ugh, UGH. I hate myself for being so stupid, but I can't help it sometimes.
HALP! |
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| OMG. |
[Dec. 21st, 2009|09:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Embarrassed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Giants in the Sky" - Into the Woods (OBC) | ] |
So, a cop came into my store today. He was a customer, I mean. He came in to ask about embroidery machines because the officers have to have their names and whatnot embroidered on their uniforms and they're being charged an arm and a leg for it now, so they'd like to have a machine and do it themselves. He told me point blank he was very uncomfortable in the store because he's not a crafty kind of person, and he was basically elected to go find out about this stuff. I showed him some of our machines and there was one in particular that seemed like a good idea to him, but I wasn't sure off the top of my head how large or small the lettering could be made, so I offered to get back to him later when I had that information. He called just a short time later to see if I'd found out anything, and I told him I hadn't had a chance because I had other customers. Then I called a couple of other stores and got some more information, and called him back and left a message telling him what I'd found out.
Shortly after that he called back to thank me for my message and ask me out.
No, seriously.
Kind of out of nowhere, he goes, "Also, I don't know if you're attached to anyone right now, but I was thinking maybe we could meet up for coffee or something sometime?"
And I, being the eloquent little genius I am, said, "Uh, maybe."
He kind of paused and said, "Maybe?"
Oy.
Anyway, I gave him my cell number. He said that even though he was uncomfortable being in the store, I made it more bearable. And he did seem really friendly. I'm not sure how old he is, but I'm pretty sure he's several years my senior. Like, maybe 30 or more? I'm really not sure. I don't mind the age difference, but I'm afraid he thinks I'm older than I am and he'll freak out when he finds out I'm only 21. That could make for a terribly awkward conversation.
I've decided that if/when I meet him for coffee it will not be a date. I'm very big on firsts, and I don't want my first date to be with someone I'm not even sure if I'm interested in yet. I'll meet him for coffee and if I like him then maybe we'll go on a date, otherwise I'll only have had coffee with a guy and that happens all the time and my record will remain untarnished.
His name's Mike, by the way. |
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| R.I.P. |
[Dec. 17th, 2009|03:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Sad | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "When You Wish Upon a Star" - Pinocchio | ] |
Roy Edward Disney
January 10, 1930 – December 16, 2009 |
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| Happiness |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|01:57 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None | ] |
Since I'm so tired of feeling unhappy, here are ten movie scenes that always make me happy. Not necessarily my favorite ten, or even representing my favorite movies, and certainly not in any kind of order. Just ten movie scenes that I always enjoy.
"Moses Supposes" - Singin' in the Rain (1952)
( +9 ) |
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| *sigh* |
[Dec. 16th, 2009|12:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Moody | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "No One is Alone" - Bernadette Peters | ] |
I haven't a clue what's wrong with me lately. I've been a basketcase my whole life, but I'm really taking it to a whole new level these days. In the past week I've burst into tears three or four times over the most ludicrous things. This afternoon I found out that the girl who usually cuts my hair is booked solid up through Christmas and so I'll either have to go without a haircut for the Christmas musical or find someone else, and I went into hysterics in the parking lot when I got to my car. (I also kicked the side of the car when neither my button nor my key could prompt the door to unlock, only to discover moments later that I was actually kicking someone else's car, an identical make parked only two cars down from my space. This realization only upset me more, of course.) My reactions to things recently have been completely over the top and out of my control. Last night I got home from work and burst into tears for no particular reason other than that I was unhappy about various things.
I'm not always unhappy. I mean, nice things happen to me. Very nice things. Just two nights ago I saw Lisa Vroman at the San Francisco Symphony, and it was just lovely. I'm working in a theatre, I'm comfortable in my role as narrator of the church Christmas musical, I actually have friends I can do things with sometimes. But all it takes is a little negative something to flip a switch in me and I totally lose it. Everything I'm unhappy about, particularly how lonely I am and how unhappy I am in my dead-end job, suddenly builds up and tumbles out all at once. It doesn't help matters that most of the people who bear witness to such an outburst don't understand. I can tell that even some of my close friends just think that I'm complaining to get attention or pity, but I'm not. I suppose there's some aspect of how I'm feeling that's reaching out for support, but that's not a thought process I go through while I'm having a random emotional meltdown. I'm just unhappy, and lately I can't seem to control the ways in which I express it.
And I seriously don't know why, because I'm not PMSing or anything. >_> |
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| :( |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|11:32 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  Depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None | ] |
Have you ever been in one of those moods where everything seems negative even if it's positive? Like, for some reason you can find a problem with everything, even good stuff? I'm in one of those moods right now and I have no idea why, but it's really weighing me down.
I just bought a ticket to see Lisa Vroman at the Symphony again tomorrow night. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to make it because I have a Velveteen Rabbit performance tomorrow afternoon, but I decided I can make it if I rush. But now I'm worried that I'll be late, or that I'll have problems at Will Call. And I went looking for a new dress to wear today and couldn't find anything, and I realized I need to reschedule a hair appointment and I need to call the choir director to tell her I won't be there tomorrow, and I may watch Raphael and his family go backstage while I don't get to go backstage and Lisa's going to be back in the area next month for something even better, and all of this is combining to make me feel like somehow this is all terribly wrong and I don't know why I'm so stressed about it all. I feel like I want to cry but there's no apparent reason, and I'm not even PMSing.
I think this must just be the general stress of the season getting to me? I've never been busy around Christmastime before, and this year I'm dealing with a regular job and a theatre job and a Christmas musical and money and friends and theatre stuff on the side to worry about, and I guess I'm just having trouble keeping afloat emotionally. And I'm lonely and tired of the way my life is.
I've never been one of those people who sits around at the end of the year and feels like a failure because of what they have or have not accomplished, but I think I may be that person this year. Despite the fact that I've had a job and made new friends and had new experiences and seen The Phantom of the Opera seven times since January 1st, I feel like I haven't really done anything. How has any of this helped further my life? When am I actually going to do something that gets me somewhere?
Wow, I'm suddenly feeling so miserable. I had no idea I was miserable about all of this until I started typing, and now it's all suddenly falling out all over the place. I think I need ice cream. |
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